We go through explanations again, only the details differ, Sam asks different questions.

I spend my time in thought.

I know that I have spent a life in anger, and that the boat was finally a moment of peace.  The time aboard allowed me to reflect.

The one who caused this, the ice, the whiteout of a world, do we have to kill?

Sam’s rehabilitation takes some time, and Ellie works at the Void Ships’s systems, I wonder what is taking so long.  Eventually she tells me that there now no launch craft to take us down to the planet, and that we will die here.  She shows me her project.

It looks like nothing so much as an a sort of egg covered in little tiles.  There is a ring around the narrow end which is divided up into segments.  She explains that these segments are what will guide us, they are the control surfaces, but I do not understand why they are so small.

“Because if they are any bigger they’ll get ripped off.  We’re going to re-enter the atmosphere with almost no control, it’s this and a parachute.”  I look glumly at this device.  She opens a single door in the size, there are no windows. What there are is three leather heavily padded seats, and a joystick.  ”It’s ok, I’ve done this before.”  She says.  I’m not reassured.

Days pass and I spend time in the Garden, but truthfully I need to be doing something, talking, doing, I don’t know what and I go in search of Sam.  Ellie is making use of her in the Egg.  They are stuffing more padding behind the seats.

I thought I’d get to know Sweet better, but it seems that she and Ellie are getting on, there is what I would describe as Girl Talk happening, but I’m alone here, and I need to work out what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, and for that I need information.

“Why am I going to kill this person?”  They look up at me and exchange a glance.

“Because he is destroying this world and everyone on it, and he does not care.”  Ellie wipes her hands on a rag.  ”We have to save it.”

“Why?”

“Do you remember that I said that there are countless  billions of universes but only a couple of hundred of these worlds that we can reach?”  I nod.  ”Well that’s why, rarity value.  There’s something else too.”  I wait.  ”If we don’t save worlds from becoming uninhabitable, it increases the probability that all the rest will get that way too.  Worlds kind of clump, like star groups.”

“Galaxies.”

“Not on that scale.  But in realities.”

“But most of the universes are empty here and we’re alone.”  I think for a moment.  ”Has there been any radio contact?”

“Not really.”  I look down for a second, contemplating my future, or my past, I’m not sure which it is.  I have to save this world, use my skills as a killer, just the point when I feel, feel, feel!

I could give it up.

But it’s the right thing to do now, and I could give it up.  Was it the right thing to do before?

Was it?  I thought I had a moral code, someone else would have done it, I did it better.  There is a hand on my shoulder.  Sweet, Sam is standing in front of me, Ellie is beside me with her hand on my shoulder.

“We know.”

Do they, do they?  I push them away roughly, I’m angry, so angry, how could they know?  How could they?  I know I’m shouting, shouting and yelling, asking the question, but I don’t hear myself.  I’m throwing things, they move carefully out of the way, but after I have throw quite a lot of things around and ranted and raged I being to notice that they are just waiting, not scared, not perturbed, just waiting.

That angers me more and I direct it at Ellie rushing for her, I want to break her, want to crush that waiting, want the fear to show.  I want her to be scared, bend her to my will.  What I want in many ways is dark, it is a lust I did not know I had, and a darkness descends as I move towards her.

_______________

Pain, contrary to what people think, is not easily overcome especially when someone is in control of it.  It is a red light in the body’s response to stimuli, an attention getter than can only be ignored when the endorphins kick in.  That takes time, and new applications of pain don’t give that time, so one’s attention can easily be focussed by shifting the point of attention.

Ellie is in control of this red light now, and is shining it on two or three places on my body, which turns out to be quite vulnerable.

“Jessop.”  She says, breathing hard for a moment, “You’re not stupid, so I’ll assume you know that I’ve got the upper hand here.”  I nod.  ”Have you calmed down?”  Nod.  ”Now I’m going to let you go, and then I’m going to say something, and this time you’re going to think about it.”

“Alright.”  She releases my thumb, and my foot, and, it turns out, a place in the small of my back.  I step away slowly.  She looks at me carefully, not for signs of violence, I perceive, but for signs of understanding.  ”I’m ready.”  I say, noting that Sweet, Sam, hasn’t moved at all, just a look of concern on her face, and a tapping foot.

“I’m you, Jessop.  I know what you’re going to do and when you’re going to do it. The only difference is, that I am a mirror image.”

“How can you be me?  I’m, well, me.  And you’re a slip of a girl.”

“What were you trying to do to me, Jessop?”  I look away, not wanting to face up to it.

“Yes.”  She says, knowing.  I’m ashamed, and I turn red, and away.  I want to run away, but we’re here orbiting a frozen Earth, and there is no where to run.  I walk off, at least, to get as far away as possible.  There is a sound behind me.

“Jessop?”  She is standing there looking calm and beautiful.  I pause, not turning.  ”I’m old than I look, older than the sun.”  I wait.  ”When you can face up to it, come to me.  I will show you what lovers do.”

I nod, once, and then go away to be alone.

Tags: writing strange creepy surreal flow inner-monologue stream-of-consciousness

Categories: Snow, Stories

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