Because if one’s child can do this, then they have surpassed one.

You will go far my boy, I couldn’t be more proud.

Right now, RIGHT NOW, you’re everything I hoped and dreamed a child would be…

… and your brother no less, though naturally in entirely different ways.

If I could send them a message of support I would.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-14901895

We saw the second impact on the web from the computer lab, as one of the teacher trainees was watching the news in a lull.

________________________

Keep Calm, and Carry on.

________________________

Never forget.

I’m moral, I’m a moral man.

Someone will take life, some will do it, and leave the widows and orphans with nothing.  Some will take their lives too, I have seen it, on the basis that they have nothing, or that they are family, and thus, the sins of the father and all that.

It is wrong.

In war we take life, and it is no less wrong, but there is a moment that comes, when it is you or them, and if someone must die then it is them, because you, well you want to live.  In war, you give up some of your humanity, you give it up[ because if you thought about those you killed, how they died, who they left behind, you could not.  You could not pull that trigger, fire that tank shell, mortar, rifle, pistol, wield that stick.  Everyone’s life has a meaning and you would be taking that away and all the training of humanity, of your father and mother and your friends and your relatives and your priest and your rabbi and your everyone teaches you that life is a precious gift, precious beyond measure, a gift from God, from Gaia, from the Prophet.

And then…

You join the army and your Sargent, he tells you that it is you or them.

And you go to war, and take this gift away, sometimes from half a dozen people at once.  And in your anger and your adrenaline and your pain you are glad, job well done, saved your mates, preserved our lives.

There is no excuse, you did what you did because you must, because it was you or them.

Because you were keeping the peace, preventing further bloodshed later on, preventing drugs trafficking, people trafficking, genocide, preventing something somewhere, by making the bad people GO AWAY.

But you have ripped their lives away, taken what cannot be returned.

_________

I shave again, the ritual comforting me as I possess myself.  I know that I have avoided looking at myself in the mirror, and I still do to some extent, it is hard to meet my own eyes.  For what I have done, I am truly sorry, for what I tried to do I am truly sorry, for what I am about to do, I am truly sorry.

_________

They are talking again when I return, laughing at some joke, but it dies away as they see me standing there.  I am waiting to be received, I don’t wish to intrude, to…, to push myself upon them.

“Ah, but you do, still I think, Jessop.” Ellie says turning to me.  ”You still desire to possess yourself, and to take power over your situation, but you have none.”  She lifts a glass to her lips.  ”You think deep in your dark soul that possessing me will overcome your desires.”  Drinks the heavy red liquid within.  ”And what will you do Jessop, when you find that it does not sate your lust, what will you do?”

She’s wearing that dress, that black short velvet dress that clings to her like a second skin, she is looking directly at me, challenging me, provoking me, mocking me.

Sweet sits up straight in her chair as I walk to Ellie. I take her by the shoulders gently.

“I was angry, and yes I was trying to take control.  Do not excuse my behaviour because you understand the reasons for it.”  I drop my arms and look down.  ”I’m sorry.”

There is a moment of stillness, where she is simply looking at me and smiling.  Then, she takes me by the hand, and leads me to the table.

“You are truly a man in possession of yourself.”  Sam smiles and nods at this.

“You think so,” I say, “you think I’m in control of myself.”

“Yes, and when you do too, I shall show you what lovers do.”  This makes me tremble. “Clearly, that is not a thing for now, ” she carries on, “for now, I shall give you a gift, something from my researches, something I know about you.”  My trembling increases rather than dissipates.  I lean forward expectantly.

“Tell me, please, tell me what you know.”

“Well, here it is then, John.”

I’m not a business type person, despite the fact that I have an MSc in E-Business, I’m too  much of a hippy to actually DO business, I hate taking money from people and I hate chasing them for it.  In the past I’ve learned that that I don’t have enough clout to sue people when they rip me off, and I don’t charge enough.

Recently I’ve learned that I can never charge enough if I’m coding for other people.

The problem here is that code is complex, very complex, and much of it is given away, (see Dan Pink, the Surprising Truth about what Motivates us, wait for the programming part).

And that’s a problem, because as an individual I can’t explain what takes time, and I’m often paid for my time, not my output, except…

…I’m paid for my output not my time, when the truth of it comes, because no-one seems to understand what takes time.

Because I code web things, I have to have to hand knowledge of at minimum, four programming or query languages, three different systems setups, two different operating systems, possibly across continents, etc. etc., all the paraphernalia that comes with coding, and people say “wow that’s intense”.  This is often followed by, “Can you just…”

No, I can’t.

I’ve been involved in coding projects recently, I took over from someone else who had left the code in the middle.  I didn’t know how much was involved, because one cannot.  I wasn’t given a proper spec, I wasn’t insistent enough about that, and I should have been.  I didn’t draw lines around what I was expected to do.  Given the amount of time that I’ve put in, now to the detriment of other projects, I cannot probably catch up with those projects properly.

Alright that’s bad.  But eventually, fixable.

But what isn’t fixable is that I do NOTHING else but code right now.  I don’t write, I don’t cycle, I don’t motorcycle with my friend, I don’t see my kids, I don’t work on my teaching material for next year, and I’ve turned into a HORRIBLE person.

I want silence in the house, (the kids are on summer break), I argue with my girlfriend, I argue with my ex-wife, I’m impatient with my boys, I’m impatient with my girlfriend’s kids.  I haven’t been to my roleplay club.  Basically I’m a moody fuck.

Studying for my MSc was easier on my life than coding.

I know this is a bit rambly and a moan, but you know, put up with it.

I have clients from years ago now that I still host, none of them paying, and I don’t even know what status their sites are at because I’m now realising that my American host  changed DNS on me a while back, and though they say there was an email I don’t see it.

So I have to go around changing this stuff, except that I’m going tom write and say I can’t do this any more, not “I can’t do this for free any more”, just I can’t do this, I can’t host, I can’t do code for people any more.

It does not pay enough, because no-one understands what code involves, it makes me tense.

To hell with the money argument, stuff the money.

Coding makes me tense.  Ten cups of coffee a day, (I had gone down a lot, except that Uni gives me a bad coffee habit), makes me tense.

I have realised, finally, that I don’t LIKE coding for other people, and it does’t like me.

I love coding, for me.

I don’t love myself very much when I’m coding, but when it’s for me, I can put it down and become a human being again.

Here’s the thing, no more coding for other people, no more hosting, no more horrible person.

I’m going to dedicate myself to teaching in Uni, and getting my PhD.  I’ll probably write come code for that, but at the end of it, I’ll have a PhD.  I’ll probably teach people to code a bit, but I won’t be doing it.

…and I’ll be a better, nicer person at the end of it.

“You can see the strings!”

You can see the strings

Here a spammer tries to look legit, and inserts a confidentiality clause, meaningless of course, at the end.

I’m f the opinion that since email is inherently not secure, if one does not know who the recipient is, one cannot expect any kind of security or confidentiality.  If one does know the recipient, then one might be bound by contract or common decency.  In this case however…

(And for those still waiting, Snow 16 will be coming soon.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

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I ranted on this in this month’s freedom column about taking responsibility for us, collectively, on demonstrations.

I’ve been remonstrated with for taking that stance, and I note as a result, that there are other points of view, which I don’t agree with, but which nevertheless are valid, sound view which deserve consideration.

However, I’m not really addressing those arguments here because they were put forward in an another forum.

What I would like to note as an addenda to the foregoing, is that Thersa May in Parliament today, publicly noted that the Police felt that most of the protesters were genuinely upset, genuinely protesting, and that there was a hard core of separate trouble-makers around who were out to cause trouble.  Well done on the Police for identifying this and being willing to say it, well done on Theresa May on saying it in Parliament.

Here is the statement.  http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-11986536 This is right on statement.

It is these people that we must eject from protests that arise as a matter of genuine unrest.

Violence only detracts from the message.

Don’t let them do it to you people.

BUT, remember this moment, it is a moment of acknowledgement, a light in the darkness.

It’s not the Miners strike after all.

It’s nice to be wrong sometimes.

I spend my time in thought.

I know that I have spent a life in anger, and that the boat was finally a moment of peace.  The time aboard allowed me to reflect.

The one who caused this, the ice, the whiteout of a world, do we have to kill?

Sam’s rehabilitation takes some time, and Ellie works at the Void Ships’s systems, I wonder what is taking so long.  Eventually she tells me that there now no launch craft to take us down to the planet, and that we will die here.  She shows me her project.

It looks like nothing so much as an a sort of egg covered in little tiles.  There is a ring around the narrow end which is divided up into segments.  She explains that these segments are what will guide us, they are the control surfaces, but I do not understand why they are so small.

“Because if they are any bigger they’ll get ripped off.  We’re going to re-enter the atmosphere with almost no control, it’s this and a parachute.”  I look glumly at this device.  She opens a single door in the size, there are no windows. What there are is three leather heavily padded seats, and a joystick.  ”It’s ok, I’ve done this before.”  She says.  I’m not reassured.

Days pass and I spend time in the Garden, but truthfully I need to be doing something, talking, doing, I don’t know what and I go in search of Sam.  Ellie is making use of her in the Egg.  They are stuffing more padding behind the seats.

I thought I’d get to know Sweet better, but it seems that she and Ellie are getting on, there is what I would describe as Girl Talk happening, but I’m alone here, and I need to work out what I’m doing and why I’m doing it, and for that I need information.

“Why am I going to kill this person?”  They look up at me and exchange a glance.

“Because he is destroying this world and everyone on it, and he does not care.”  Ellie wipes her hands on a rag.  ”We have to save it.”

“Why?”

“Do you remember that I said that there are countless  billions of universes but only a couple of hundred of these worlds that we can reach?”  I nod.  ”Well that’s why, rarity value.  There’s something else too.”  I wait.  ”If we don’t save worlds from becoming uninhabitable, it increases the probability that all the rest will get that way too.  Worlds kind of clump, like star groups.”

“Galaxies.”

“Not on that scale.  But in realities.”

“But most of the universes are empty here and we’re alone.”  I think for a moment.  ”Has there been any radio contact?”

“Not really.”  I look down for a second, contemplating my future, or my past, I’m not sure which it is.  I have to save this world, use my skills as a killer, just the point when I feel, feel, feel!

I could give it up.

But it’s the right thing to do now, and I could give it up.  Was it the right thing to do before?

Was it?  I thought I had a moral code, someone else would have done it, I did it better.  There is a hand on my shoulder.  Sweet, Sam is standing in front of me, Ellie is beside me with her hand on my shoulder.

“We know.”

Do they, do they?  I push them away roughly, I’m angry, so angry, how could they know?  How could they?  I know I’m shouting, shouting and yelling, asking the question, but I don’t hear myself.  I’m throwing things, they move carefully out of the way, but after I have throw quite a lot of things around and ranted and raged I being to notice that they are just waiting, not scared, not perturbed, just waiting.

That angers me more and I direct it at Ellie rushing for her, I want to break her, want to crush that waiting, want the fear to show.  I want her to be scared, bend her to my will.  What I want in many ways is dark, it is a lust I did not know I had, and a darkness descends as I move towards her.

_______________

Pain, contrary to what people think, is not easily overcome especially when someone is in control of it.  It is a red light in the body’s response to stimuli, an attention getter than can only be ignored when the endorphins kick in.  That takes time, and new applications of pain don’t give that time, so one’s attention can easily be focussed by shifting the point of attention.

Ellie is in control of this red light now, and is shining it on two or three places on my body, which turns out to be quite vulnerable.

“Jessop.”  She says, breathing hard for a moment, “You’re not stupid, so I’ll assume you know that I’ve got the upper hand here.”  I nod.  ”Have you calmed down?”  Nod.  ”Now I’m going to let you go, and then I’m going to say something, and this time you’re going to think about it.”

“Alright.”  She releases my thumb, and my foot, and, it turns out, a place in the small of my back.  I step away slowly.  She looks at me carefully, not for signs of violence, I perceive, but for signs of understanding.  ”I’m ready.”  I say, noting that Sweet, Sam, hasn’t moved at all, just a look of concern on her face, and a tapping foot.

“I’m you, Jessop.  I know what you’re going to do and when you’re going to do it. The only difference is, that I am a mirror image.”

“How can you be me?  I’m, well, me.  And you’re a slip of a girl.”

“What were you trying to do to me, Jessop?”  I look away, not wanting to face up to it.

“Yes.”  She says, knowing.  I’m ashamed, and I turn red, and away.  I want to run away, but we’re here orbiting a frozen Earth, and there is no where to run.  I walk off, at least, to get as far away as possible.  There is a sound behind me.

“Jessop?”  She is standing there looking calm and beautiful.  I pause, not turning.  ”I’m old than I look, older than the sun.”  I wait.  ”When you can face up to it, come to me.  I will show you what lovers do.”

I nod, once, and then go away to be alone.

This said, racially I have some Asian background, but no culture because I was discouraged from having any.  I’m aware of it though and it has had influence previously in my life.

_____________________

We enjoy a certain amount of freedom in this country, and although we frown at the CCTV, the actions of the Police, (Protests, photography), we can roam the street with a certain amount of immunity from violence, (generally, there is always the criminal element), random arrests, spying, (but bear in mind what I said about CCTV) and the other trappings of rule that is an indication of an insecure culture and government.

I’m aware that people are fed up with our current government already, if the tweets and news I see are anything to go by, then they are very fed up indeed.  I think the Lib-Dems shall not see power again this century.  I think that people feel betrayed.

There is a time-line here.

In 2008 we had another financial crash.  Commentators doing the analysis called the recovery and rescue of the banks “Socialisation of the debt” and “Privatisation of the profit”.  The banks have us over a barrel, “the best will leave” if we are too punitive.  Banks will offshore their activities, more than they do already, and the government will lose billions in tax revenue.

That’s a problem, where does the power truly lie?  From the little scenario above, it seems that it lies in the hand of the banks who certainly do not answer to the will of the people.

But it seems from the unrest that the government do not actually answer to the will of the people.  There are many fine words about compromise, but they cut no ice when jobs are going, and we are approaching the one in ten of the famous song about hard times in the eighties.  People are angry, very angry.  Angry at the protests, angry at the cuts, angry at the damage, angry.

They have every right to be angry.  We should be angry.

We should be absolutely hopping mad.

Oh look there’s a student or hanger on throwing a half brick.

STOP

I started by saying that we enjoy freedoms in this country, and we do.  We can be dissidents, unlike say, oh I don’t know Liu Xiaobo, who today got Nobel Peace Prize, denounced by China as interference.  China needs to be put under pressure to free Liu Xiaobo, but it will not respond to it.  China was praised by Thorbjorn Jagland, according to the BBC, for “Lifting millions of people out of poverty.”

I’ve met plenty of Chinese Students, they are proud of their country.  I know people who have gone their and travelled freely, taught, lived, loved.  The everyday experience of the Chinese seems to be improving.  The government lets go of control slowly.

Liu Xiaobo should be freed, but rapid change in governmental policy is chaotic, sudden freedoms mean that one is free, as Heinlein once wrote, “free to starve too…” because economic changes come too rapidly for the government of the day to make sure that everyone eats, the trash is collected and that people are not too corrupt.  I invite the reader, and I’m going to apologise in advance to an entire country here, to compare and contrast Russia’s experience with China.  Forward to freedom, but not too fast, because otherwise there are no queues for bread or rice, because is no bread or rice.  Take a look, and I’m NOT apologising here, at North Korea.

The Chinese don’t riot not just because their government will oppress them, but because things are getting better.  Students have told me this.  They recognise that there are problems, but if you change everything all at once, things will go very wrong, and that there will  be unrest.  They have the assurance of a consistent government, even if we in the west think it is a bad government in many ways.  China creeps towards freedom, and Liu Xiaobo pays the price, because China needs activists, but the government will assert its power when it feels threatened, and thus he is in prison.  It is not a travesty of justice so much as a result of an individual losing the argument by might, the government’s might.  Free Liu Xiaobo.

We, here in the UK are changing things quickly, the new inexperienced government thinks that all the changes are necessary and good, and we do not.  We have good reason, people bandy about figures for how much tax is avoided on the part of big companies and rich individuals and I could do that too, but it is just sufficient in my view to say that rich individuals and big companies can afford big lawyers and fat fees and off-shoring to help them avoid tax, and I can tell you that in every contact I have had with the tax system weather as student, a company bod, a consultant or whatever, the same message comes, don’t pay tax if you don’t have to.

Fine, but now we say that there is a moral obligation for companies &c. to pay the tax they morally owe, because we subsidised the banks when they were in trouble.  Are they doing the same for us?   No.

No, they are not. They are in profit once more, and we are suffering the cuts.  And so student fees triple, the Lib-Dems guarantee that they are basically seen as liars, (I get that they are in coalition, but emotionally I feel the same, intellectually, more complex), and students are on the streets protesting.

I have seen interesting pictures around this, school girls protecting a police van, (well done those girls), random protesters protecting policemen under attack, and most clearly of all, someone saying “Wind the  window up !” to Prince Charles and Camilla.

Ah, now we arrive at it.

Remember the miner’s strike?  What happened?  It turned nasty, and new, and in my view pretty draconian laws were enacted to prevent secondary strike action, striking without some pretty severe rules on balloting, (think BA in the summer stopped several times by the courts, because that is what companies turn to now even for the smallest infraction of the ballot rules), and generally tore the heart of the unions, and I feel for the country.

France still strikes, rebels when the people get hacked off.  We laugh at them, then sympathise.

But oh, oh you protesters yesterday, you waste your time and effort, because we have already seen violence, and that is wrong.

Oh deface a building or a statue, these things can be repaired, though you risk offence if you deface, I dunno, the Cenotaph, when soldiers are still dying for Afghanistan, so doing that would be dumb right?

And say, attacking the Prince of Wales, who just happens to be Chancellor of the University of Wales, (as we are reminded in a typically flippant student council agenda), which includes Bangor, which I happen to be an Alumni thereof, and having participated a little bit in student democracy happen to that his Chancellorship is fully supported by the student body and has been for a long time.

I went off on one.

Point is, you dumb-asses, don’t attack the most “right on” eccentric royal and don’t attack the chancellor because now Cameron is going to rain a very large drum of Whoop ass on your heads and prosecutions will follow.  And then there will be new laws.

Stop cocking the protests up.  STOP.

Protest peacefully, give the police the run around, disobey, be dissident, but stop being violent, because you’re making a right mess of it if you do that, because the media does not then get the message across that we’re really really un-happy, it just shows a few more pictures of some arse-hole putting the boot in or swingin on the flag, or god forbid that damned silly still of Charles and Camilla looking horrified.

Stop being stupid, stop getting us in a situation in which the government is going  to punish us all by creating even more draconian and daft laws than the last one did.

And by the way, I’m no great lover of the police as the state enforcers, but these people have lives and families, and some of them even sympathise because they do not live in isolation from the rest of us.  Show them some respect by not beating the living daylights out of them and maybe they will not act out of fear either.

Yes, protest, disobey, be dissident, but do so peacefully; because unlike Liu Xiaobo, you don’t face being locked up just for being dissident.  Remember that you are essentially free.

_

Addendum, and Police, remember that we don’t need this sort of bollocks from you either.  It cuts both ways.

_

Corrected for grammar and spelling.